Do you ever feel like...

Things just aren't where they should be. I feel so inadequate and mediocre. I make decent grades and do well, but not as well as I could. I play piano decently well, but not as well as I could. I love my family, but I don't show it like I can or should. I get along okay with everyone I know, but I don't always really show them how much I appreciate them or love them. I'm not apathetic about issues...I deeply care about people who are hurting or need help, but I never do what I should to show that I care. I love God and believe in Christ and what he did for me, but I don't live my life like I really believe that He sacrificed everything for me, or that I love Him with every fiber of my being. A lot of times, I feel like no one would ever know I was a Christian if I didn't tell them or go to church...or whatever else. I feel like I never live up to my potential in anything...I sit in my comfort zone of mediocrity. I'm not happy with it.....in fact it depresses me very much, but it's easier to sit around depressed than to put myself out there and feel things.

I guess the place I really let things go is in relationships. From my relationship to Christ, to my relationship with my parents, to my relationship with my friends, all the way down to my dating relationships, I really just let things be kind of rough and unpolished. I long for closeness and intimacy with all of the above. As much as I want that, I can't ever give my all. I give a lot to people...I love to make everyone happy. Nothing makes me happier than buying things or doing things for the people I love. I am definitely a giver, but even with all that type of giving, there seems to be a point when I stop giving what's most important....the deepest, most intimate parts of myself. It's like I get a lot of myself out there and then I either get hurt a little bit or remember from somewhere what deep hurt feels like. I don't know that I've ever completely let go without worrying about what I might do wrong to mess it up or get hurt. This applies to my friends, family, boyfriends, and God. I have this safe zone that I hide behind and I'm sick of it. All it does is end relationships or at least hurt them. I make it so difficult for people to love me and so difficult for God to help me and use me because I shut everyone out.

I know that people tend to say that it's because of past relationships. Because things in my childhood weren't perfect. My dad was busy at work...my mom was really rough on me and my siblings. My boyfriends have hurt me emotionally and physically. Friendships have ended because they have shut me out of their lives before. But as my pastor was saying yesterday...it's not anyone's fault or problem but my own. It's up to me to let God heal me...to give up control...to realize that others didn't do this...it's MY problem and I CAN'T fix it. I've vowed to change this before, but it has always been ME trying to do it myself. Only God can heal this...and I long for that to happen. I'm so tired of sabotaging what God can do through me and all the relationships that God put in my life. It's time to let it go and pray for God to take it and make with it what he knows I need.