Thursday, January 26, 2006

Life

So I was sitting here bored to death checking websites and stuff and looked at my friend Courtney's blog. There I found something that just made my day (there's a link on here to Courtney's blog...check it out and see what I'm talking about). She has a baby boy that is a little more than 6 months old. I admire Courtney more than anyone can know because she is living life like it should be. A child will never be more loved than her son Grady.
On that blog are various clips of him rolling over, smiling, laughing, and today's of him swinging in the park swing for the first time. His smile and giggle are adorable and infectious...but what struck me even more was Courtney's unbelievably happy laugh in the background. To say that her life has been kind of difficult would be an understatement, but here she is living each moment to the fullest...not missing a second. Not squandering any of the time of her life or her husband's or her son's. They are living and inhaling every single moment. I respect that so much.


I obviously don't have a husband or a baby, so the comparison can't be exact. But, The fact is that I don't live each day as if it's a gift. I complain...I get bored...I get lonely. All of these are very common to other people too, but I don't want to be that way. I guess the fact is that I thought I might be married by now...or at least know that I would be soon. I would know that I would be having children soon. I mean, I value family more than anything and I have always just taken for granted that I would have a husband and children someday. Here's the cruel truth though...I might, but I might not. It's not okay for me to live my life waiting for that to happen to live each day to the fullest...to make it count. I should be DOING things that are important. God calls us to live each day for him...I always thought that a family would be my main purpose in life, but it isn't right now. I am single for a reason...and I could always be. There are things that I need to do, to be, to become.


Here are some lyrics to a song that I want to be my challenge and goal everyday. If any of you feel stagnant and mediocre because you feel like you haven't found your purpose or "home" yet...I hope these challenge you too. Hopefully we'll all do something with the time we have now and not wait for when things are the way we want or imagined to start living life to the fullest.


Chris Rice
Life Means So Much
Every day is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do is believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessing
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketching
Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Life means so much
Life means so much
Every day is a bank account
And time is our currency
So nobody's rich, nobody's poor
We get 24 hours each
So how are you gonna spend
Will you invest, or squander
Try to get ahead or help someone who's under
Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Has anybody ever lived who knew the value of a life
And don't you think giving is all
What proves the worth of yours and mine
Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much
Every day is a gift you've been given
Make the most of the time every minute you're living

Monday, January 09, 2006

Do you ever feel like...

Things just aren't where they should be. I feel so inadequate and mediocre. I make decent grades and do well, but not as well as I could. I play piano decently well, but not as well as I could. I love my family, but I don't show it like I can or should. I get along okay with everyone I know, but I don't always really show them how much I appreciate them or love them. I'm not apathetic about issues...I deeply care about people who are hurting or need help, but I never do what I should to show that I care. I love God and believe in Christ and what he did for me, but I don't live my life like I really believe that He sacrificed everything for me, or that I love Him with every fiber of my being. A lot of times, I feel like no one would ever know I was a Christian if I didn't tell them or go to church...or whatever else. I feel like I never live up to my potential in anything...I sit in my comfort zone of mediocrity. I'm not happy with it.....in fact it depresses me very much, but it's easier to sit around depressed than to put myself out there and feel things.

I guess the place I really let things go is in relationships. From my relationship to Christ, to my relationship with my parents, to my relationship with my friends, all the way down to my dating relationships, I really just let things be kind of rough and unpolished. I long for closeness and intimacy with all of the above. As much as I want that, I can't ever give my all. I give a lot to people...I love to make everyone happy. Nothing makes me happier than buying things or doing things for the people I love. I am definitely a giver, but even with all that type of giving, there seems to be a point when I stop giving what's most important....the deepest, most intimate parts of myself. It's like I get a lot of myself out there and then I either get hurt a little bit or remember from somewhere what deep hurt feels like. I don't know that I've ever completely let go without worrying about what I might do wrong to mess it up or get hurt. This applies to my friends, family, boyfriends, and God. I have this safe zone that I hide behind and I'm sick of it. All it does is end relationships or at least hurt them. I make it so difficult for people to love me and so difficult for God to help me and use me because I shut everyone out.

I know that people tend to say that it's because of past relationships. Because things in my childhood weren't perfect. My dad was busy at work...my mom was really rough on me and my siblings. My boyfriends have hurt me emotionally and physically. Friendships have ended because they have shut me out of their lives before. But as my pastor was saying yesterday...it's not anyone's fault or problem but my own. It's up to me to let God heal me...to give up control...to realize that others didn't do this...it's MY problem and I CAN'T fix it. I've vowed to change this before, but it has always been ME trying to do it myself. Only God can heal this...and I long for that to happen. I'm so tired of sabotaging what God can do through me and all the relationships that God put in my life. It's time to let it go and pray for God to take it and make with it what he knows I need.

Return to Manley

Since I am moving back to Jeff City this week, I decided to attend Manley (my home church) this weekend. I was hesitant because it had been so long and I didn't know how it would feel and if it was really where I was supposed to be. In fact, I thought about not going today and waiting until I was officially in Jeff City next weekend. Amanda, however, was determined for me to get back in the swing this morning and insisted on me waking up and I did.

I really had a fantastic experience this morning. The music was a joy as always...Kevin really is infectious...you can feel his passion for God ooze out of every song, every nuance, and every note. I loved it so much. I knew that I loved that...no surprise since I love music and find it easy to worship in that way.

I, however, had forgotten exactly how much I love the pastor there. I respect him very much. He truly speaks from the heart and what he feels God lays on it. Today he focused in on how we have to die to ourselves to really live for God. How we are so self-centered and try to blame all of our problems on everyone, but our problem is sin and sin comes from OUR actions. It's ourselves that get angry, jealous, selfish, etc, etc. It is our one purpose to glorify God and none of the selfish things we do glorify Him. We get in the way of our purpose. If we can't let God lead us and totally get rid of ourselves and our control problems, we'll never live up to our potential or our purpose.

He also talked about how God would call us out of our comfort zones. How it is virtually impossible to remain comfortable and really be giving our all to God. We can only be comfortable doing what we know our abilities are. God can do so much more than we think or know that we are capable of. We are to give our bodies, souls, minds, and everything for God to use. Moses didn't think he could do what God told him to do...it was outside of his abilities, but God asked him to trust him. Moses stepped out in faith and God showed him that anything is possible through Him.

This is the place in particular where I struggle the most. I like to stay in the background...and follow people. I like to help people...I want to help the hungry, the poor, the homeless, children, old people...anyone who has a need that I can meet. My problem is that I never quite know where to start and I'm too settled into myself to let loose of control and step out and find what God has for me to do. I hide behind others because I'm shy...I may be timid with other humans, but my timidity does NOTHING for God. It's time to bust out of that box I've put myself in. It's time for me to let go of my control and give everything in me to God. To pray that prayer every single day. To use any ability and talent I can for God even if it scares me to death. To show that I don't just believe that Jesus is my Savior, but also my LORD who I am supposed to serve...and to serve faithfully. Believing just isn't enough....I have to do something. What good is being idle? What kind of life is that for me, for others, for God? It's time to be truly obedient and useful. That is my prayer...I challenge myself to pray it each day, to live each day that way, to focus on that and not on myself or others but only God. Everyday is a gift and I want to live my life that way. I covet all of your prayers...keep me accountable please!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

2005 in review

So last year was a big one for me...so here's what went on (and in no particular order):

1. A few of my last remaining single friends got married (Ronda, Laura, Kelly)

2. I stopped going to Manley because it was in Morristown and I was in Knoxville (too far)

3. Because of the above, I basically stopped going to church...and discovered how desparately I
need that organized, focused time with God...yet I couldn't ever get myself in line

4. I got what was basically the job I've said I wanted for about 5 years now....I have enjoyed
myself, although if I want to keep doing this job when grad school is over, I'll need more hours

5. The spring 2005 semester sucked pretty hard which left me hanging on whether I wanted to
go back or not...I chose to go back and renewed my lease on my apartment (this would be
important later).

6. I started back to school in the fall and discovered that I still hated it and it still sucked, but I
tried to make the most of it...thank goodness the dream job in #4 fell in my lap to give a
bright spot to my week

7. One of my closest friends from college had a baby in July (just before my birthday)...he's SO
cute

8. I turned 25 (a quarter of a century....geez), in July

9. My best friend and roommate here in Knoxville had enough of her crappy job and decided to
leave it....and thus move home in order to have time to prepare for grad school auditions

10. Because I hated school and wanted a little bit of an easy semester, I decided to take very
few classes when it starts back next week

11. Because Amanda is moving home, I decided to leave Knoxville too. I decided to move
closer to work...esp since it's 30 minutes from UT to the Knox apt and 30 min from UT to
Jeff City.

12. Because Amanda and I are leaving, I have to break my lease...or at least fulfill the
of leaving early...and pay a penalty and give 60 days notice

13. I secured an apartment in Jeff City within walking distance!!...the only unfortunate thing
is that bc of the 60 day notice and month penalty, my mom will be paying rent on 2 apts.
for 3 months

14. My weight has been an issue all year...it is a fluctuating disaster. I'm hoping moving to Jeff
City will help me get back in routines that I lost when I moved to knoxville. It should be
better!

15. I only dated one person this year and it was vague and brief. It was a set up from the
church pianist (my friend)....she set me up with her 30 year old brother. He still had ex
issues (as in she popped into his life a lot) and nothing came of it. But he did get my humor
and my thinking which was a highlight of the year for me...if only brief.

16. I started this blog, but I sucked at keeping it active. I think since I'll be living alone and
bored, I'll probably write a lot more in the coming months.


This year has seemed retroactive to me. I mean spiritually, physically, mentally...I feel like I moved backwards from last year. I hate to think that I wasted a year, but school was a bust, diet was a bust, dating was a bust and my playing was a bust. I haven't read much; I haven't learned much; and I haven't done much. The job was my definite bright spot of the year. I met some pretty great kids at CN this year and really have felt useful and fulfilled there. It was a nice addition to my life. Hopefully the move to Jeff City and living alone will force me to deal with some things I need to deal with. I hope that I can get on track exercising and eating better, I hope I can get back in church and get involved, I hope that I can get my prayer life in order, I hope that I can be more social...make more friends and keep up better with older ones. I also hope that I can focus on the classes I take and figure out what it is that I want out of the grad school experience. I suppose those are my "resolutions" of sorts....they certainly are my aspirations for the coming months.

About Me

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I moved to Nashville to start (another) grad school. It's scary, but it's also cool because my best friend and I are finally in grad school together...delayed, but it happened.