So I have a bit of an addiction, so here we go: Hello my name is Nicole and I am a quizoholic. I LOVE to take quizzes on the internet, in magazines, books, etc. So tonight I was taking some personality quizzes online (those are my favorite type of quiz) and ran across the Jung Typology personality test and got the results...I'm an INFP. This led me to retake a test I took a few years ago, the Kiersey Temperament Sorter. I wondered if my personality had shifted at all over the past few years of growing up and changes in my life....it hadn't at all. Here are the results for that:
Being a Healer (INFP)
As a Healer, you have the capacity to care deeply about the inner lives of those close to you, as well as about favorite causes in the world at large. More than other types, you can have a great passion and ability to heal the conflicts that trouble individuals or divide groups. In your efforts, you seek to bring wholeness and health to others as well as to yourself.
Healers typically possess a profound sense of idealism, the kind that comes from a strong personal sense of right and wrong. As a result, you may view the world around you as an ethical, honorable place, full of wondrous possibilities and potential goods. For others to understand you well, they should know the kind of deep commitment you can have to the things you see as positive and good. At times, you can display an almost boundless selflessness. This willingness to make extraordinary sacrifices for the people and things you believe in can be very inspiring.
Because your type is set off from the rest of the world by a sense of privacy and the mere fact that there are so few of you (around one percent of the population), Healers like you can sometimes feel isolated in your idealism. You may also feel a sense of separation because of an often-misunderstood childhood. If your early years were as fantasy-filled as most Healers' were, you might have been discouraged or even punished for your wild notions. If grownups told you to get your head out of the clouds, you probably began believing that being fanciful or dreamy was bad. This belief may have lead to a bit of an ugly duckling complex. In truth, you likely were - and are -- quite all right just as you are. Know that you're simply different from most others, like a swan reared in a family of ducks.
In professional and scholastic situations, your type can be quite adaptable. This tendency can include an ability to welcome new ideas and information, as well as having patience when complicated situations arise. You are not, however, one to be patient handling routine details. Chances are, you have a natural interest in scholarly activities. You're also apt to demonstrate a remarkable facility with language, a talent possessed by most of your fellow Idealists (NFs). Others likely admire your gift for telling tall tales, or for writing stories of your own in lyrical, poetic fashion.
Socially, you tend to relate well with others because of your ability to keenly tune into people's feelings. However, because of your usually private nature, you can also be quite happy alone. When it comes to making decisions big and small, you're apt to follow your heart rather than your head. So although you sometimes make errors of fact, you'll seldom make errors of feeling. You're a person who tends to be well acquainted with your inner life, and who can use that knowledge to your benefit. Frequently this inner voice can call you to go forth into the world and help others. This is a message you seem ready to answer, even if you must sometimes sacrifice your own comfort to do it. ___________________________________________________________________
Hopefully this will help everyone gain some insight into me and my personality :). I find things like this intriguing. I hope that some of you do also. Here are the links if you guys want to take them.
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
http://www.advisorteam.com/temperament_sorter/register.asp?partid=1
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
Pure Sex Appeal
I hope that everyone likes this, but this one is going out in particular to Amanda. I thought that this might brighten your day. See her come-hither look? Isn't it pure sex? Doesn't it make you want to go to UT? For those of you that don't know...this is a voice teacher at UT. And, yes....this IS the picture on the prospective student 'meet the faculty' page.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Am I like Helen?
Do you ever just feel isolated? I do and I know that I isolate myself. I'm volatile and intense. How can can someone who feels so shallow and shy be so intense with people? It's my fault. I basically feel like I have two choices with people. Option one is that I can put on a mask and leave most of myself out of the relationships (I do this with many of my family members, some friends, and some dates). When I do this, people don't think of me as overwhelming, too much, too volatile, etc, but I'm leaving out a large part of my personality. My other option is to put my whole self into the relationship (I do/have done this with very few people...maybe 3 or 4 friends in my lifetime, my brother, and Chris). I discovered quickly that when I do this, it always ends poorly. I destroy relationships. They always feel overwhelmed with me. I think too much; I'm too volatile; I'm too intense. I guess I am. I over-analyze everything. I'm passionate in what I feel and believe in...unfortunately passion often involves not only good feelings but anger, hurt feelings, and pain in general. If I'm passionate about a relationship, and I don't just mean physical...I'm talking about when I just really give my all, show every single one of my colors in a relationship, believe in another person as a friend, a role model, or a love. These are the times when it ends poorly.
In the movie Superstar, Mary Katherine Gallagher is being overwhelmed by her friend Helen (see picture at bottom) and says to her, " I have to be honest with you. Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded." I feel like that's what people end up feeling like around me. I make people run away. I lose friends, boyfriends, and closeness with my family. I just give everything in me and far too many times, much of me is the downside of passion that I talked about before. I just feel that it's better to give your all to someone than hide yourself, but I know that it makes for volatile relationships. I also have discovered that volatile relationships really are just too tiring and painful. I don't know what it is in me that makes me so rocky, but it's there and it doesn't seem to be leaving. I don't want to give that up if it means that I lose the good things that come along with passion...it's what fuels my heart for people, what makes me want to make music and beautiful things, what makes life beautiful so many times. I fear that I will be this dark, intense, volatile person who is surrounded by people who don't really know me at all and would never guess that I'm that way, or that I feel so deeply. I don't want people to look at me and see a person who is shy or unfriendly...someone who is closed off to the world. I don't want to be that. How do I filter out the bad and keep the good?
Here's Helen Lewengrub...on the left
In the movie Superstar, Mary Katherine Gallagher is being overwhelmed by her friend Helen (see picture at bottom) and says to her, " I have to be honest with you. Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded." I feel like that's what people end up feeling like around me. I make people run away. I lose friends, boyfriends, and closeness with my family. I just give everything in me and far too many times, much of me is the downside of passion that I talked about before. I just feel that it's better to give your all to someone than hide yourself, but I know that it makes for volatile relationships. I also have discovered that volatile relationships really are just too tiring and painful. I don't know what it is in me that makes me so rocky, but it's there and it doesn't seem to be leaving. I don't want to give that up if it means that I lose the good things that come along with passion...it's what fuels my heart for people, what makes me want to make music and beautiful things, what makes life beautiful so many times. I fear that I will be this dark, intense, volatile person who is surrounded by people who don't really know me at all and would never guess that I'm that way, or that I feel so deeply. I don't want people to look at me and see a person who is shy or unfriendly...someone who is closed off to the world. I don't want to be that. How do I filter out the bad and keep the good?
Here's Helen Lewengrub...on the left
Friday, August 12, 2005
Who am I?
Do you ever have a thousand things running through your mind at a time? I'm sure that everyone does. What I wonder is, does everyone else's thoughts all circle around things that they wish they were good at or better at? Is this a problem that only I have? Pretty much every night (and day too) I am stirred by thoughts of all the things that I wish I could do or do better.
I've discovered that these thoughts occur every other night and every day. I attribute this to the fact that after you couldn't sleep one night for thinking about everything, then continue to think about it all the next day, your body shuts itself down to save itself. You are forced into a deep sleep every other night to shut down and recharge...like a cell phone or a computer. God is so clever in that fact. He saves us from ourselves all the time.
Take this week as an example. Monday night as I was trying to sleep I was stirred by all the thoughts of things that I wished I could do. I lay around for hours not sleeping thinking about all the artistic things that I wished I could do. I wish that I could write stories, poems, poetry, song lyrics, anything deep and philosophical that touched people. I wish that I were an artist...that I could paint or draw beautiful things or take amazing photographs that showed a deeper meaning of something or the human race. I wish that I could compose music. I wish that I could write songs that showed the world who God is, who I am, who we, as humans, are on a deep level. The type of songs that everyone hears and each person has a different feeling or meaning from it, but they are equally valid and true. I wish that I were artistic so I could touch people on that deep level that talking to them never touches. I suppose that I wished all artistic things that night because I am a music major and I really am not good at much else. I say music major rather than musician because I don't write any music or lyrics myself. It makes me feel so lowly and selfish to only be good at feeling music. When I play I only have the thought of what the music means to me. It's not deep, it doesn't change people's lives, it doesn't make people see the face of God or relate to him, it doesn't give meaning to anyone or anything except myself. I stayed awake that night until about 3, laying in bed longing for a deeper, more artistic existence, then God shut me down and I slept until about 6 the next morning.
On Tuesday I picked right up where I left off and was haunted by my selfish existence all day. After about 22 hours of these thoughts with only a 3 hour reprieve, I slept soundly all night.
When Wednesday came, I only did one single thing all day. I read this amazing book called Blue Like Jazz. I think that everyone should read it. It's written by a Christian who, like me, has had doubts in his life. A man who gets the image of God wrong again and again but keeps trying. Mostly it's about loving people and how he has problems with institutions in general (including organized Christianity) because people get lost in the mix. I agree with him. We get so wrapped up in changing people to believe what we want them to that we lose sight of what's really important...loving them. We hold our values so strongly that they become like government...like a system of checks and balances (he says that in the book). This of course leads to trying to stay in check all the time and thinking that a life like this is what Jesus intended. A life of doing everything correctly and making sure everyone follows the laws and does everything right....a world where it becomes "us" (who try to follow the laws) and "them" (who are living contrary to our laws...think people in other religions, people who don't believe in God, doubters, homosexuals, etc, etc.). Instead we should love everyone no matter what they do...after all it is the ultimate commandment. He speaks of how he tried different spiritualities and religions, how he went to a Unitarian church, how he feared that he became "trendy, modern Christian." He talked about how he loved the fact that many places (like the Unitarian church, or some of the other religions, or a college campus where people scoffed at believing in God, or even a commune of hippies) had the thing that so many churches and institutions were missing. They loved everyone the same no matter what...everyone was considered equally human. He of course found the flaws in those religions to be the simple fact that some of these places condoned sins of false Gods, homosexuality, believing in no God, etc. He just believed that rather than trying to show them their faults or changing them, it was our job to just show them love. Hopefully, eventually those people would ask or realize why you were so loving to them and then you could share your faith.
I began to think that day. To think that so many times we get caught up in the idea that ministering to people is the same as preaching to them, regurgitating the Bible to them, shoving God and religion in their face. We think of "minister" as the person on the pulpit every weekend, as a noun rather than a verb. The first definition of the verb "minister" is: "to give help to somebody in need". That's what we are supposed to do. Jesus always, always met the people's needs before he preached to them. He fed them or he healed them FIRST. He made them comfortable and safe, got their trust, got their belief that he loved them, before he ever preached to them. How do we miss that mark so often as Christians?
The book also taked about how so often we talk about how important it is to feed the hungry and help the poor, yet we do nothing about it. We might give some money to our church or a foundation but we don't physically do anything about it. The bible also shows how when people believed in something, they physically did something about it. If I truly believe that I should feed the hungry and help the poor, then why am I not acting on it? I talk about how poverty stricken places are here and in other countries and how I believe that we as more fortunate Americans should help them. But here I am, a very, very fortunate American, sitting at home in my overly comfortable house with my abundance of food, clothing, etc. I am sitting on my butt on my couch watching TV instead of being out there helping people. This thought alone kept me up all night. If I believe in so many things then why am I not active? Why do I not share my faith when the subject comes up, why do I not use my good health to get out and minister to people less fortunate, why do I live in this gluttonous way when it is sinful and others are starving for food, shelter, and clothing? This is something I wish that I were better at. All night and all yesterday I thought about this. Then last night (Thursday) I was asleep by 10:30.
This brings me to today where I already have thoughts in my mind buzzing and racing around like insects around a light. I am thinking about my physical self. Why I don't do a much better job with that? My body is God's temple. I am supposed to use it to share his message with people...to do his work. I am so far out of shape that it is at least a year out of reach for me to get into the shape I should be in. Why have I let myself go? Why the excess weight, the weak muscles, the unhealthy body in general? So today I begin a journey to a better me...a me that finds an outlet to bring deeper meaning to people's lives, a me that does something about what I believe and loves people first and foremost, and a me who gets in the shape for my body to be able to do whatever God needs it to. A better me...can I do it?
I've discovered that these thoughts occur every other night and every day. I attribute this to the fact that after you couldn't sleep one night for thinking about everything, then continue to think about it all the next day, your body shuts itself down to save itself. You are forced into a deep sleep every other night to shut down and recharge...like a cell phone or a computer. God is so clever in that fact. He saves us from ourselves all the time.
Take this week as an example. Monday night as I was trying to sleep I was stirred by all the thoughts of things that I wished I could do. I lay around for hours not sleeping thinking about all the artistic things that I wished I could do. I wish that I could write stories, poems, poetry, song lyrics, anything deep and philosophical that touched people. I wish that I were an artist...that I could paint or draw beautiful things or take amazing photographs that showed a deeper meaning of something or the human race. I wish that I could compose music. I wish that I could write songs that showed the world who God is, who I am, who we, as humans, are on a deep level. The type of songs that everyone hears and each person has a different feeling or meaning from it, but they are equally valid and true. I wish that I were artistic so I could touch people on that deep level that talking to them never touches. I suppose that I wished all artistic things that night because I am a music major and I really am not good at much else. I say music major rather than musician because I don't write any music or lyrics myself. It makes me feel so lowly and selfish to only be good at feeling music. When I play I only have the thought of what the music means to me. It's not deep, it doesn't change people's lives, it doesn't make people see the face of God or relate to him, it doesn't give meaning to anyone or anything except myself. I stayed awake that night until about 3, laying in bed longing for a deeper, more artistic existence, then God shut me down and I slept until about 6 the next morning.
On Tuesday I picked right up where I left off and was haunted by my selfish existence all day. After about 22 hours of these thoughts with only a 3 hour reprieve, I slept soundly all night.
When Wednesday came, I only did one single thing all day. I read this amazing book called Blue Like Jazz. I think that everyone should read it. It's written by a Christian who, like me, has had doubts in his life. A man who gets the image of God wrong again and again but keeps trying. Mostly it's about loving people and how he has problems with institutions in general (including organized Christianity) because people get lost in the mix. I agree with him. We get so wrapped up in changing people to believe what we want them to that we lose sight of what's really important...loving them. We hold our values so strongly that they become like government...like a system of checks and balances (he says that in the book). This of course leads to trying to stay in check all the time and thinking that a life like this is what Jesus intended. A life of doing everything correctly and making sure everyone follows the laws and does everything right....a world where it becomes "us" (who try to follow the laws) and "them" (who are living contrary to our laws...think people in other religions, people who don't believe in God, doubters, homosexuals, etc, etc.). Instead we should love everyone no matter what they do...after all it is the ultimate commandment. He speaks of how he tried different spiritualities and religions, how he went to a Unitarian church, how he feared that he became "trendy, modern Christian." He talked about how he loved the fact that many places (like the Unitarian church, or some of the other religions, or a college campus where people scoffed at believing in God, or even a commune of hippies) had the thing that so many churches and institutions were missing. They loved everyone the same no matter what...everyone was considered equally human. He of course found the flaws in those religions to be the simple fact that some of these places condoned sins of false Gods, homosexuality, believing in no God, etc. He just believed that rather than trying to show them their faults or changing them, it was our job to just show them love. Hopefully, eventually those people would ask or realize why you were so loving to them and then you could share your faith.
I began to think that day. To think that so many times we get caught up in the idea that ministering to people is the same as preaching to them, regurgitating the Bible to them, shoving God and religion in their face. We think of "minister" as the person on the pulpit every weekend, as a noun rather than a verb. The first definition of the verb "minister" is: "to give help to somebody in need". That's what we are supposed to do. Jesus always, always met the people's needs before he preached to them. He fed them or he healed them FIRST. He made them comfortable and safe, got their trust, got their belief that he loved them, before he ever preached to them. How do we miss that mark so often as Christians?
The book also taked about how so often we talk about how important it is to feed the hungry and help the poor, yet we do nothing about it. We might give some money to our church or a foundation but we don't physically do anything about it. The bible also shows how when people believed in something, they physically did something about it. If I truly believe that I should feed the hungry and help the poor, then why am I not acting on it? I talk about how poverty stricken places are here and in other countries and how I believe that we as more fortunate Americans should help them. But here I am, a very, very fortunate American, sitting at home in my overly comfortable house with my abundance of food, clothing, etc. I am sitting on my butt on my couch watching TV instead of being out there helping people. This thought alone kept me up all night. If I believe in so many things then why am I not active? Why do I not share my faith when the subject comes up, why do I not use my good health to get out and minister to people less fortunate, why do I live in this gluttonous way when it is sinful and others are starving for food, shelter, and clothing? This is something I wish that I were better at. All night and all yesterday I thought about this. Then last night (Thursday) I was asleep by 10:30.
This brings me to today where I already have thoughts in my mind buzzing and racing around like insects around a light. I am thinking about my physical self. Why I don't do a much better job with that? My body is God's temple. I am supposed to use it to share his message with people...to do his work. I am so far out of shape that it is at least a year out of reach for me to get into the shape I should be in. Why have I let myself go? Why the excess weight, the weak muscles, the unhealthy body in general? So today I begin a journey to a better me...a me that finds an outlet to bring deeper meaning to people's lives, a me that does something about what I believe and loves people first and foremost, and a me who gets in the shape for my body to be able to do whatever God needs it to. A better me...can I do it?
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Pat Benatar
That last post got really off course from the beginning...it just spilled right out. I suddenly understand why people do these things. It's like a journal but even better because it's possible that people will comment and tell you that they understand you, or give you advice, or maybe just tell you that you're crazy (or maybe that's what it means when I don't get comments...hmm). Anyway, here is what else I have going through my mind tonight.
So I know that Pat Benatar maybe isn't the coolest thing I could quote, but it seems appropriate.
Do I stand in your way,
or am I the best thing you've had
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love
and I'm chained to your side
We are young,
heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
I was laying in bed and I began to think about all the relationships in my life and how I make a mess of them. From my parents and family, to my friends, and of course to any people I've dated. Things are looking up with my family and though I don't have tons of friends, I do deeply love and value the ones I have. More than that I know that all those people love me too. Add to that God's unconditional, incomprehensible love and riddle me this: Why do I feel so lonely? Shouldn't I be fully content with the love of God, family, and friends? I know that the answer is a resounding "YES", but I still feel lonely far too often.
I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because I am getting older and quite frankly I long to make a family of my own someday. And it seems like it is getting farther and farther away instead of closer. I want to be in love again and have someone love me back for all that I am...flaws, quirks, perks and all. I'm 25 which isn't quite spinster status these days, but nonetheless feels old enough that things should be beginning to fall into place. Instead nothing is happening and I am so impatient.
All this does is lead me to think through all the lusts and loves I've had. A mental list of unrequited loves from high school, lust filled mistakes, alcohol induced mistakes from my wilder days at CN (Courtney and Amanda sorry you had to witness one/some of those). Then of course there were the people I actually loved. The one that started out wrong...like my boyfriend from my senior year in high school/freshman year in college (did I mention that he is 3 years younger than me?). The more painful love that more seemingly went completely wrong like with Chris. Everything started out so well...he was smart, funny, and I loved him. Then everything fell apart and it became a rollercoaster of emotions and even a little abuse for both of us. That was certainly the most painful to get through, but I did it.
Then there is one more love that I just can't seem to shake from my mind. This is the love where you start out as great friends. He's the guy who talked me through day to day things. Then was there when my most painful relationship fell apart. He built me up everytime I talked to him...even if it was about something ridiculous. It was always fun and fresh and comfortable. This is the guy I dated very briefly when Chris and I broke up. But in classic Nicole fashion rather than holding on to the good and letting go of the bad, I did the opposite and dredged things out longer with Chris when he came knocking on my door wanting to get back together. Once I really moved on from Chris and straightened out my life much more, my friend was still there helping me be stronger in Christ and also be a stronger person. And in true unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true fashion eventually, after a year and a half (sans Chris of course), this guy gave a relationship with me a second chance.
Here is where I imagine what my life would be like if it were a movie and someone else were watching it. I would be the most frustrating person ever. I would imagine in a movie everyone would have seen the first time what an idiot I was to blow it and go back to Chris. They would have seen all the mistakes that I made between the break-up with Chris and this second chance and think...what is her problem. She loves this guy and he loves her. They are great friends; why is she analyzing this so much? Date him, show him that you are ready for this, and do what seems like the right thing.
Of course my story has no happy, Hollywood ending. I can see clearly(as of course my viewers would have seen) that I pushed this relationship away. I could feel that he was open to me and was leaving it in my hands. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to let my guard all the way down. Things were never the same after that. Everything up to that point was great and going in a wonderful direction and then I blew it. I couldn't let go of my inhibitions. My shield was still up, maybe a little to the side, but still there. He needed to know that I was sure and I was too hurt and too damaged to be sure at the time. I know that it hurt him. Nothing was ever said to confirm or contradict, but I know because we went from talking practically everyday before that to not talking much for the rest of the year.
I am now regaining his friendship a little, but things will never be the same even there. We'll never be as close. Our lives have changed dramatically. He has moved on and I have moved on though I think about it sometimes. I did love him...I do love him, but I couldn't listen to my heart or even to what I thought God wanted. All my praying seemed to say yes, but I just couldn't give in. I could blame it on many things, but I know deep down it was my decision and I couldn't give him what he needed. It wasn't right then and life goes on. It's just when you know that you had a the love and comfort of a great friend, and when you list everything you want in a person they have them, it's hard to make sense of why it doesn't work out. And it makes these lonely times a little more irritating.
He has moved on to the list of those who have found better loves. My boyfriend from high school is married, Chris is married, and this man too is planning on being engaged soon. He used to joke before we dated that we would be like My Best Friend's Wedding. I don't plan on trying to sabotage any nuptials that might take place or anything but my heart may be a little heavy. I will always be happy for him though.
I know that God has a plan. I just wish I weren't so lonely. I will try to be more content in the great love that I'm surrounded in daily with my family, friends, and most importantly God. You live and you learn right? After all, love IS a battlefield.
So I know that Pat Benatar maybe isn't the coolest thing I could quote, but it seems appropriate.
Do I stand in your way,
or am I the best thing you've had
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love
and I'm chained to your side
We are young,
heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
I was laying in bed and I began to think about all the relationships in my life and how I make a mess of them. From my parents and family, to my friends, and of course to any people I've dated. Things are looking up with my family and though I don't have tons of friends, I do deeply love and value the ones I have. More than that I know that all those people love me too. Add to that God's unconditional, incomprehensible love and riddle me this: Why do I feel so lonely? Shouldn't I be fully content with the love of God, family, and friends? I know that the answer is a resounding "YES", but I still feel lonely far too often.
I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because I am getting older and quite frankly I long to make a family of my own someday. And it seems like it is getting farther and farther away instead of closer. I want to be in love again and have someone love me back for all that I am...flaws, quirks, perks and all. I'm 25 which isn't quite spinster status these days, but nonetheless feels old enough that things should be beginning to fall into place. Instead nothing is happening and I am so impatient.
All this does is lead me to think through all the lusts and loves I've had. A mental list of unrequited loves from high school, lust filled mistakes, alcohol induced mistakes from my wilder days at CN (Courtney and Amanda sorry you had to witness one/some of those). Then of course there were the people I actually loved. The one that started out wrong...like my boyfriend from my senior year in high school/freshman year in college (did I mention that he is 3 years younger than me?). The more painful love that more seemingly went completely wrong like with Chris. Everything started out so well...he was smart, funny, and I loved him. Then everything fell apart and it became a rollercoaster of emotions and even a little abuse for both of us. That was certainly the most painful to get through, but I did it.
Then there is one more love that I just can't seem to shake from my mind. This is the love where you start out as great friends. He's the guy who talked me through day to day things. Then was there when my most painful relationship fell apart. He built me up everytime I talked to him...even if it was about something ridiculous. It was always fun and fresh and comfortable. This is the guy I dated very briefly when Chris and I broke up. But in classic Nicole fashion rather than holding on to the good and letting go of the bad, I did the opposite and dredged things out longer with Chris when he came knocking on my door wanting to get back together. Once I really moved on from Chris and straightened out my life much more, my friend was still there helping me be stronger in Christ and also be a stronger person. And in true unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true fashion eventually, after a year and a half (sans Chris of course), this guy gave a relationship with me a second chance.
Here is where I imagine what my life would be like if it were a movie and someone else were watching it. I would be the most frustrating person ever. I would imagine in a movie everyone would have seen the first time what an idiot I was to blow it and go back to Chris. They would have seen all the mistakes that I made between the break-up with Chris and this second chance and think...what is her problem. She loves this guy and he loves her. They are great friends; why is she analyzing this so much? Date him, show him that you are ready for this, and do what seems like the right thing.
Of course my story has no happy, Hollywood ending. I can see clearly(as of course my viewers would have seen) that I pushed this relationship away. I could feel that he was open to me and was leaving it in my hands. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to let my guard all the way down. Things were never the same after that. Everything up to that point was great and going in a wonderful direction and then I blew it. I couldn't let go of my inhibitions. My shield was still up, maybe a little to the side, but still there. He needed to know that I was sure and I was too hurt and too damaged to be sure at the time. I know that it hurt him. Nothing was ever said to confirm or contradict, but I know because we went from talking practically everyday before that to not talking much for the rest of the year.
I am now regaining his friendship a little, but things will never be the same even there. We'll never be as close. Our lives have changed dramatically. He has moved on and I have moved on though I think about it sometimes. I did love him...I do love him, but I couldn't listen to my heart or even to what I thought God wanted. All my praying seemed to say yes, but I just couldn't give in. I could blame it on many things, but I know deep down it was my decision and I couldn't give him what he needed. It wasn't right then and life goes on. It's just when you know that you had a the love and comfort of a great friend, and when you list everything you want in a person they have them, it's hard to make sense of why it doesn't work out. And it makes these lonely times a little more irritating.
He has moved on to the list of those who have found better loves. My boyfriend from high school is married, Chris is married, and this man too is planning on being engaged soon. He used to joke before we dated that we would be like My Best Friend's Wedding. I don't plan on trying to sabotage any nuptials that might take place or anything but my heart may be a little heavy. I will always be happy for him though.
I know that God has a plan. I just wish I weren't so lonely. I will try to be more content in the great love that I'm surrounded in daily with my family, friends, and most importantly God. You live and you learn right? After all, love IS a battlefield.
Blasted Time Vandal
It's about 4 in the morning and I can't sleep. Today I wasted another day away watching TV. I always think and say that it's because there's nothing else to do, but that's a lie. It's because there are a million things to do, but I, for whatever reason, don't do them. I should be reading a devotion and the Bible, cleaning the apartment (which, by the way, is currently a complete wreck), exercising, visiting family, anything really would be better than watching TV. All that the TV watching leads to is filling my mind with useless trash. Isn't that most of what TV is these days? I would like to take the high road and say that I can't stand to watch most of it, but the truth is, I love it. America's Next Top Model marathons on VH1? Bring it on. Lifetime movies? Excellent. Food Network? Even better (like I have ever cooked a single thing from it). I sit there and I soak up all of this garbage and then wonder why my life is trash. My music minister, Kevin, at Manley Baptist once referred to the TV as "the time vandal". At the time I laughed only because I thought it was lame...now I sit here and see how appropriate those words were. I'm wasting away my life watching TV.
Losing today to the time vandal made me realize what a horrible person I am. I sat there and thought about how bad people looked, or how annoying they were, etc. etc. Basically anything I could find to judge, I did. That's not acceptable human behavior, let alone Christian behavior. What makes the people on TV acceptable targets? Is it because they can't hear me, or because they can't see me to judge me back? Maybe it's because it's possible to dehumanize anyone on TV; I don't know them personally, therefore they aren't real or something. I don't know the answer, but it's awful.
This of course led me back to the everyday realization of how judgmental I am of people. I honestly think its because I have so much wrong in my life that it makes me feel somewhat better to see things wrong with other people. Wow, I just admitted that and it's awful. Of course maybe it's also because staring at other people's tiny flaws simply keeps me from having to notice my own HUGE flaws. When speaking of seeing a speck of sawdust in your brother's eye when you have a plank in you own. Jesus said "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:5). There it is....I'm a hypocrite. If you asked me the one thing that I really can't stand, especially in churches and religion today I would say hypocrisy. I am a modern day Pharisee. YUCK. So from today forward I will pray for guidance and focus on removing the plank in my own eye. It's a daunting task.
Losing today to the time vandal made me realize what a horrible person I am. I sat there and thought about how bad people looked, or how annoying they were, etc. etc. Basically anything I could find to judge, I did. That's not acceptable human behavior, let alone Christian behavior. What makes the people on TV acceptable targets? Is it because they can't hear me, or because they can't see me to judge me back? Maybe it's because it's possible to dehumanize anyone on TV; I don't know them personally, therefore they aren't real or something. I don't know the answer, but it's awful.
This of course led me back to the everyday realization of how judgmental I am of people. I honestly think its because I have so much wrong in my life that it makes me feel somewhat better to see things wrong with other people. Wow, I just admitted that and it's awful. Of course maybe it's also because staring at other people's tiny flaws simply keeps me from having to notice my own HUGE flaws. When speaking of seeing a speck of sawdust in your brother's eye when you have a plank in you own. Jesus said "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matt 7:5). There it is....I'm a hypocrite. If you asked me the one thing that I really can't stand, especially in churches and religion today I would say hypocrisy. I am a modern day Pharisee. YUCK. So from today forward I will pray for guidance and focus on removing the plank in my own eye. It's a daunting task.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
I am a d.a.
My roommate (Amanda) has noticed since living here in the same apartment with me for the past year that I will say the opposite of nearly everything she says. I had never paid much attention that I did that until she pointed it out. Now I find myself doing it all the time, pretty much to anyone. I have heard my family tell me since I was little that I would argue with anything, anyone, anytime, but I always dismissed it as just my family giving me a hard time for not agreeing with them. Other than my family no one had ever really mentioned it to me until Amanda.
She calls me "d.a." for devil's advocate. And I suppose that I really do that, though I'm not sure why. It's not like I set out to do it just to be on the opposite side. In my mind I really think that I believe what I'm saying and I'm making a real point. Like today, my roommate was talking about work and how she hated it and HAD to go. I was responding in my usual fashion: she always has a choice; eventhough she depends on money from work to meet her budget, she still ultimately has a choice of skipping work and not making budget or going and meeting it. For example, people choose to skip and not meet their budget all the time; that's where debt comes from. It may not be a good choice, but it's a choice nonetheless....
She interrupted my rant here and asked me why I always have to take the opposite side. I was primed to defend my answer: "technically it's true..." That's always my loophole; I only argue things that I think are at least technically true, but what a load of crap to be arguing and defending with someone going to a job they hate. Though she probably should have just smacked me upside the head, she instead lashed me with the mighty tongue with " oh just fold up your portable soap box and go back to your room..."
What a great way to put it. I do seem to have a perpetual portable soap box that I apparently LOVE to climb upon and debate at a moment's notice. When pointed out to me lately how much I ascend that box, I have discovered that I'm not always truly honest...I don't really believe everything I argue for. So why do I do it? Why? Any answers are welcome.
She calls me "d.a." for devil's advocate. And I suppose that I really do that, though I'm not sure why. It's not like I set out to do it just to be on the opposite side. In my mind I really think that I believe what I'm saying and I'm making a real point. Like today, my roommate was talking about work and how she hated it and HAD to go. I was responding in my usual fashion: she always has a choice; eventhough she depends on money from work to meet her budget, she still ultimately has a choice of skipping work and not making budget or going and meeting it. For example, people choose to skip and not meet their budget all the time; that's where debt comes from. It may not be a good choice, but it's a choice nonetheless....
She interrupted my rant here and asked me why I always have to take the opposite side. I was primed to defend my answer: "technically it's true..." That's always my loophole; I only argue things that I think are at least technically true, but what a load of crap to be arguing and defending with someone going to a job they hate. Though she probably should have just smacked me upside the head, she instead lashed me with the mighty tongue with " oh just fold up your portable soap box and go back to your room..."
What a great way to put it. I do seem to have a perpetual portable soap box that I apparently LOVE to climb upon and debate at a moment's notice. When pointed out to me lately how much I ascend that box, I have discovered that I'm not always truly honest...I don't really believe everything I argue for. So why do I do it? Why? Any answers are welcome.
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About Me
- Nicole
- I moved to Nashville to start (another) grad school. It's scary, but it's also cool because my best friend and I are finally in grad school together...delayed, but it happened.