Pat Benatar

That last post got really off course from the beginning...it just spilled right out. I suddenly understand why people do these things. It's like a journal but even better because it's possible that people will comment and tell you that they understand you, or give you advice, or maybe just tell you that you're crazy (or maybe that's what it means when I don't get comments...hmm). Anyway, here is what else I have going through my mind tonight.

So I know that Pat Benatar maybe isn't the coolest thing I could quote, but it seems appropriate.
Do I stand in your way,
or am I the best thing you've had
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love
and I'm chained to your side

We are young,
heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield

I was laying in bed and I began to think about all the relationships in my life and how I make a mess of them. From my parents and family, to my friends, and of course to any people I've dated. Things are looking up with my family and though I don't have tons of friends, I do deeply love and value the ones I have. More than that I know that all those people love me too. Add to that God's unconditional, incomprehensible love and riddle me this: Why do I feel so lonely? Shouldn't I be fully content with the love of God, family, and friends? I know that the answer is a resounding "YES", but I still feel lonely far too often.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because I am getting older and quite frankly I long to make a family of my own someday. And it seems like it is getting farther and farther away instead of closer. I want to be in love again and have someone love me back for all that I am...flaws, quirks, perks and all. I'm 25 which isn't quite spinster status these days, but nonetheless feels old enough that things should be beginning to fall into place. Instead nothing is happening and I am so impatient.

All this does is lead me to think through all the lusts and loves I've had. A mental list of unrequited loves from high school, lust filled mistakes, alcohol induced mistakes from my wilder days at CN (Courtney and Amanda sorry you had to witness one/some of those). Then of course there were the people I actually loved. The one that started out wrong...like my boyfriend from my senior year in high school/freshman year in college (did I mention that he is 3 years younger than me?). The more painful love that more seemingly went completely wrong like with Chris. Everything started out so well...he was smart, funny, and I loved him. Then everything fell apart and it became a rollercoaster of emotions and even a little abuse for both of us. That was certainly the most painful to get through, but I did it.

Then there is one more love that I just can't seem to shake from my mind. This is the love where you start out as great friends. He's the guy who talked me through day to day things. Then was there when my most painful relationship fell apart. He built me up everytime I talked to him...even if it was about something ridiculous. It was always fun and fresh and comfortable. This is the guy I dated very briefly when Chris and I broke up. But in classic Nicole fashion rather than holding on to the good and letting go of the bad, I did the opposite and dredged things out longer with Chris when he came knocking on my door wanting to get back together. Once I really moved on from Chris and straightened out my life much more, my friend was still there helping me be stronger in Christ and also be a stronger person. And in true unbelievable, too-good-to-be-true fashion eventually, after a year and a half (sans Chris of course), this guy gave a relationship with me a second chance.

Here is where I imagine what my life would be like if it were a movie and someone else were watching it. I would be the most frustrating person ever. I would imagine in a movie everyone would have seen the first time what an idiot I was to blow it and go back to Chris. They would have seen all the mistakes that I made between the break-up with Chris and this second chance and think...what is her problem. She loves this guy and he loves her. They are great friends; why is she analyzing this so much? Date him, show him that you are ready for this, and do what seems like the right thing.

Of course my story has no happy, Hollywood ending. I can see clearly(as of course my viewers would have seen) that I pushed this relationship away. I could feel that he was open to me and was leaving it in my hands. For some reason I couldn't bring myself to let my guard all the way down. Things were never the same after that. Everything up to that point was great and going in a wonderful direction and then I blew it. I couldn't let go of my inhibitions. My shield was still up, maybe a little to the side, but still there. He needed to know that I was sure and I was too hurt and too damaged to be sure at the time. I know that it hurt him. Nothing was ever said to confirm or contradict, but I know because we went from talking practically everyday before that to not talking much for the rest of the year.

I am now regaining his friendship a little, but things will never be the same even there. We'll never be as close. Our lives have changed dramatically. He has moved on and I have moved on though I think about it sometimes. I did love him...I do love him, but I couldn't listen to my heart or even to what I thought God wanted. All my praying seemed to say yes, but I just couldn't give in. I could blame it on many things, but I know deep down it was my decision and I couldn't give him what he needed. It wasn't right then and life goes on. It's just when you know that you had a the love and comfort of a great friend, and when you list everything you want in a person they have them, it's hard to make sense of why it doesn't work out. And it makes these lonely times a little more irritating.

He has moved on to the list of those who have found better loves. My boyfriend from high school is married, Chris is married, and this man too is planning on being engaged soon. He used to joke before we dated that we would be like My Best Friend's Wedding. I don't plan on trying to sabotage any nuptials that might take place or anything but my heart may be a little heavy. I will always be happy for him though.

I know that God has a plan. I just wish I weren't so lonely. I will try to be more content in the great love that I'm surrounded in daily with my family, friends, and most importantly God. You live and you learn right? After all, love IS a battlefield.