Am I like Helen?

Do you ever just feel isolated? I do and I know that I isolate myself. I'm volatile and intense. How can can someone who feels so shallow and shy be so intense with people? It's my fault. I basically feel like I have two choices with people. Option one is that I can put on a mask and leave most of myself out of the relationships (I do this with many of my family members, some friends, and some dates). When I do this, people don't think of me as overwhelming, too much, too volatile, etc, but I'm leaving out a large part of my personality. My other option is to put my whole self into the relationship (I do/have done this with very few people...maybe 3 or 4 friends in my lifetime, my brother, and Chris). I discovered quickly that when I do this, it always ends poorly. I destroy relationships. They always feel overwhelmed with me. I think too much; I'm too volatile; I'm too intense. I guess I am. I over-analyze everything. I'm passionate in what I feel and believe in...unfortunately passion often involves not only good feelings but anger, hurt feelings, and pain in general. If I'm passionate about a relationship, and I don't just mean physical...I'm talking about when I just really give my all, show every single one of my colors in a relationship, believe in another person as a friend, a role model, or a love. These are the times when it ends poorly.

In the movie Superstar, Mary Katherine Gallagher is being overwhelmed by her friend Helen (see picture at bottom) and says to her, " I have to be honest with you. Your intense energy is making me feel a little bit bombarded." I feel like that's what people end up feeling like around me. I make people run away. I lose friends, boyfriends, and closeness with my family. I just give everything in me and far too many times, much of me is the downside of passion that I talked about before. I just feel that it's better to give your all to someone than hide yourself, but I know that it makes for volatile relationships. I also have discovered that volatile relationships really are just too tiring and painful. I don't know what it is in me that makes me so rocky, but it's there and it doesn't seem to be leaving. I don't want to give that up if it means that I lose the good things that come along with passion...it's what fuels my heart for people, what makes me want to make music and beautiful things, what makes life beautiful so many times. I fear that I will be this dark, intense, volatile person who is surrounded by people who don't really know me at all and would never guess that I'm that way, or that I feel so deeply. I don't want people to look at me and see a person who is shy or unfriendly...someone who is closed off to the world. I don't want to be that. How do I filter out the bad and keep the good?

Here's Helen Lewengrub...on the left